I have a confession to make: I live in Alabama. I would hasten to add that I was not born here nor was I raised here but a combination of economics and misfortune has resulted in me calling the ”Yellowhammer State” my temporary home. One of these days I’ll make it back to my beloved Florida but until then, here I sit.

Now here’s something you may not know about Alabama that I sure didn’t until I moved here: sex toy sales are illegal here. Yes, in the year 2012 the God-fearing legislature of Alabama has concluded that orgasms should only be obtained the old-fashion way…from your cousins. God bless the USA.

But here’s the catch, you can still sell sex toys in this great state as long as you pretend that they’re not really intended to tickle your pink. If you should happen to buy a  ”back massager” or a “cake topper” that looks strangely like a penis then that’s just fine. Just don’t tell us you’re going to pleasure yourself with it or we’ll have to call the cops.

One has to wonder that there aren’t warning signs posted over the cucumbers at at the local Piggly Wiggly warning that blindness could result if you use them in any orifice but your mouth. And that’s not to mention the crazy things you might get up with the stuff in the kitchen utensils aisle. Maybe they should ban people having fingers too just to be safe.

I think I’m going to take a page from the NRA’s playbook and propose a new bumper sticker campaign. “Dildos don’t screw people. Politicians do.”